Complicated

I wrote most of this a little bit back so the time frame is off, but the tales are true...


Sometimes I'm so busy doing life that I don't really stop to process it. I don't even realize the meaning of the words I hear throughout the day or the meaning of the stories I'm told. I don't take in the faces in front of me or allow myself to see through the eyes looking into mine. I forget to really listen, to allow my eyes to be opened, my heart to break, and my hands to move.

It is often later, when the voices are silent and the faces are gone, that I begin to process the stories, understand the lives and question the realities.

In the last week, I have met a baby abandoned by his teenage mother because of physical deformities. I have held a one year old that weighs just over eight pounds. I have seen the HIV positive mom of a formula program baby struggle to get to her feet to take her daughter home. I have tried and failed to get one of our reunited kids to smile for me when she came back to visit. I have used NG tubes to feed our malnourished new babies. I have had a young mother offer us her unborn child because she doesn't feel she can care for all of her children. I have seen a four month old baby whose mother is too mentally unstable to care for her and whose family is struggling to provide. I have had the mom of a reunited child ask us to take him back.

These are complicated stories, challenging lives and sometimes harsh realities.

We must struggle to make the best decisions for these precious babies. For these people who are not just words, faces or strangers. For these people whose stories are real. For these people who are looking for hope. It is not easy, nor should it be, to make this decision that will directly impact someone else's future.

It is easy to judge, to rationalize and to justify. To not help and then to let them slip your mind. To help, but to see only the problem, not see the person. To wish the issues were easier or the answers were more obvious.

But then I realize, Jesus did not come for the healthy, but for the sick. He came for the broken and the needy. He came for those who are falling apart and are desperate. I know that this is me and all of us. It is every single person that I saw and talked to this week. If the issues were easier or the answers more obvious, we would not be here. There would be no need. It is the sick, the broken, the needy, the falling apart and desperate people that we are called to serve. Not through our own strength, ability or resources, but through the One who knows every intimate, complicated detail and is able to use it all for his glory.

I am thankful that God is trusting us enough to be his hands and feet as we seek to better hear, see and understand the people who come through our gate each week. My prayer is that, no matter what, we will reflect the true solution to their needs and will glorify God in our thoughts, decisions and actions.

A First Time for Everything

I have spent a total of approximately 65 weeks in Haiti in the last 5 years. Never once have I spent any of that time behind a steering wheel... until today. Some may tell you that our destination was an hour away, but I don't really believe them. It took us about 2 hours and 15 minutes by the time the adventure was complete...

Kirk and I were heading out to pick up an abandoned baby from a hospital in Limbe. We had already made this same trek a week earlier to meet the baby, so we knew how to go the "back way," with more turns, different bumps and less traffic. Initially, Kirk was driving (as per tradition), but after only a few minutes, we decided to switch. Thankfully, between last summer and the time I moved to Haiti, COTP acquired an automatic vehicle that does not require a ridiculous amount of shifting. (If it did, I would definitely not have driven today.) The first part of the trip was rather uneventful. We experienced the usual bumpy roads, chickens crossing, children waving and people staring. I may have hit a few extra bumps, but I like to think that it was relatively uneventful. My passenger may have initially made fun of me for going a bit slow, but it got better.

Not too far into the journey, we came to a fallen tree. At home, this tree would have made me turn around and reconsider my route, but here, we simply got really close to examine the options. In between a pile of branches and the trunk of the tree, was a pathway. It was probably about 3/4 the width of the Jeep, and Kirk told me that was wide enough. I carefully navigated to the left so that I knew we were clear of the trunk, and then just pushed the branches out of the way with the vehicle. I'm not sure the onlookers were as confident we'd have success, but we made it through! Many minutes and a couple of turns later, we came to the river in the road. I knew it was coming (from our previous trip), but it kind of still snuck up on me. Now, having never driven through a river before, I was a bit anxious, but we made it through easily and only one quick wave splashed up on the hood.

Next, we came to a crossroads. Well, actually a T in the road. Last time, we went right and found our destination, but we thought the directions we were given said to go left. So, after some deliberation and a calculated risk, we decided to go left. At first, it all looked good. The road was nice (enough), and it looked like we were headed to a populated area. We took the next right (like we thought we were supposed to) and kept going. However, instead of heading to the brick road we thought we should find, we instead found ourselves on rockier and rockier ground. It was on this path that we had a conversation about whether Haiti has jungle. If it does, we were in it. Eventually, the road basically ended and we were forced to turn around (by backing up to a drop-off and maneuvering the Jeep around). Oh, and we had already crossed a second river on this road, so of course we had to go back through it. This means my river-count for the day is three.

After backtracking, we found the right road again and continued on our way. I even drove onto the National Highway, which isn't as fancy as it sounds, but if you take it long enough, you can get all the way to Port-au-Prince. To get to Limbe, you have to go up over a mountain, and I even decided to try driving this part. At home, it would definitely freak me out, but it doesn't seem so bad here in comparison to the other roads. The worst part was having to remember to honk my horn around every corner so that oncoming traffic would know I was coming. Several uneventful bumps and curves later, a passing moto driver points at our tire. I stop, Kirk gets out of the Jeep and discovers we have a flat tire. This is quite inconvenient since we don't have a spare, we are coming down the mountain and we don't know where we can get it fixed. Since we have no choice, we keep driving. Just after an "it's getting worse fast" comment, we realize we will have to stop. Right then, we both spot an air compressor on the side of the road. Turns out we can stop at this unofficial Haitian gas station where there is a guy who knows how to fix tires. Mesi Jezi. I don't really know how he did it, but I know it involved pulling something out of the tire (the culprit), and then shoving some good stuff in. And it held for the whole rest of the trip and back, hooray! I didn't know if Kirk would let me drive after the flat-tire incident, but alas, he did and so I got back in the driver's seat and we took off.

The rest of the trip was rather uneventful. I navigated the traffic and bumps and drove right to the hospital, thus ending my first driving experience in Haiti. I very willingly let Kirk drive on the way home so that I could hold our newest little love, an 8 month old baby boy full of smiles and giggles!

A Long Time

It's been a long time since I last blogged. I like to blame that mostly on the fact that our internet was broken for several weeks, but I suppose procrastination could also be partially responsible. So much has happened in the last couple months that it's hard to know what is blog worthy. Because of this, I think I will just try to share a few little stories as they randomly come to mind...

-Awhile back, Sheila, a volunteer and I spent the day at a pool in town. It was nice to have some refreshing time away and to be able to enjoy the water. Sheila made me have swimming contests, which is a little comical considering my general lack of ability in that area, but it was a good day that we ended with a little grocery shopping.

-Since the end of August, we have added two new families to our staff. It has been fun getting to know them better!

-A couple of my babies from last summer have recently gotten their first haircuts. We don't cut our little boys' hair until they are at least a year old, so first haircuts are a pretty big deal. Their hair is often long enough to allow for little braids, so these need to be taken out or cut off before the official haircut can even occur. I love their little baby hair, so this is never my favorite time, but they do look really handsome when they're done. :)

-About a week and a half ago, I took one of our kids to Port-au-Prince for an appointment. Because we already had a staff member in Port with another child, I only had to make sure the child arrived safely. This involved an hour sitting in the Cap airport, a 5 minute bus ride, a 25 minute flight in a small plane, and then more waiting in the Port airport. It also involved 2 granola bars, 2 packs of crackers, 1 sippy cup of water, a dirty diaper and several amused airport staff members. Once our staff came to pick the baby up, my only remaining task was to wait for my flight a couple hours later. Fortunately, this wait was made more pleasant because Jamie, our director of operations from the States, was flying in that day. We were able to chat and catch up as we waited for the plane ride back to Cap.

-Every Thursday, we get mail from Agape flights. Boxes are mailed to Florida and then flown to us. Recently, I have been in charge of inventorying the mail we receive and making sure it gets to the appropriate people/places (diapers, formula, toys, etc to the babies, family gifts to certain kids, packages to staff members, etc). It is always fun to see the great things that people think of to send to us and our kids and we always appreciate it! A recent mail day was exceptionally fabulous for me because I received a box from a volunteer who had spent several weeks here. She made me make a list, but insisted that she "probably wouldn't send a box, and even if she did, it wouldn't have anything from the list," so I really didn't know what to believe. ;) And then, the box arrived! It was a beautiful thing, complete with pickles, pasta and chocolate. Thanks Veva!

-The boat room at COTP has some of our younger kids in it. A few are under a year, but most of them are our one year olds. It used to be pretty stressful to leave the room because several of the kids would cry consistently. But then, they learned to wave! Now leaving the room is fun because when you say "bye bye" and wave to them, there are almost always at least 5 little hands waving back and smiling. :)

These are just a few things that have been filling my days in Haiti. It's almost never what I expect, but I wouldn't choose to be anywhere else!

Hospital Visits

Our nurse has been gone for the past three weeks, so the rest of us have had a chance to practice our nursing skills. Mostly this means giving out regular medications to some of our kids, but it has also involved a lot of fever patrol, bandage applying and medication preparation. It has also required us to realize our lack of training and need for outside help. In addition to email contact with medical professionals in the States, we have also taken several of our kids to our local(ish) hospital. Some have gone for routine check-ups, others for consults with visiting doctors, and a couple have been admitted. All of these trips mean that I have spent A LOT of time at the hospital in the last week and a half. Last week involved a total of six trips in five days and this week has included a couple more.

While I have been to the hospital during my previous trips, these last few days have helped me learn a lot about how the system works, and it's definitely different then at home. Here is how one of our trips went last week:

1. Decide, in the early evening, to take one of our sick babies into the hospital. Pack a bag with everything she needs in case she is admitted. This includes sheets for the bed, milk, food, cleaning supplies, bottles, etc. Leave for the hospital with one of our Haitian staff driving, the baby on my lap, a volunteer along for the experience, and a nanny in case the baby is admitted.

2. Arrive at the hospital and look for the American doctor who saw the baby the day before. See him walking away as we try to convince the guards to let us drive in to the volunteer housing area. Have them call the doctor back. The doctor looks at the baby and tells us to go to the emergency area and he will come up after our consult with the Haitian doctor.

3. Go to the main hospital area and head upstairs to where the doctor is. Wait for awhile, see random blood and IVs, talk to a nurse who asks if we have had the baby there before. Say no. Have to go back downstairs to the pediatric area to get the baby weighed. Have the baby weighed. Go back upstairs. Wait a little more.

4. See a doctor. Thankfully, the one who speaks both Creole and English. Since I barely know medical words in English, it's sometimes too much of a challenge to understand them in a foreign language. Answer some questions. Get the baby's temperature taken. Go downstairs to the pediatric area with the doctor. Have the baby admitted. Hear what the doctor thinks may be the problem. Get told that more tests will be done in the morning when the lab and xray places are open.

5. Watch the baby's IV get put in. Help the nurse put on the tape to hold the IV in place.

6. Get a list of the meds we need. Have our driver go get them. (I didn't on this particular trip, but from other experiences, I know this involves standing in one line to find out how much you have to pay, going to another area and actually paying, going to the pharmacy and picking up the meds and finally bringing them back to the hospital staff.)

7. Make sure the nanny has money to buy any other needed supplies. Say goodnight to baby and nanny. Head home.

All of this happened in about two hours and was really a pretty smooth process. Two of our kiddos are still in the hospital right now, but seem to be doing better.

In Haiti, if you need blood, you are required to get other people to donate some that they do not run out of blood. In exchange for the transfusions our kids have had recently, we had to agree to donate blood as well. They asked us to have two people donate. So on Monday morning, I took a group of volunteers to do this, found out that we couldn't do it until Wednesday and so came back then. In total, we had four volunteers who agreed to donate blood. They were all first-time donors, but did great despite their nerves and we're very excited with the shirts they got. I even got a shirt for going along and helping translate. In Creole, the shirts say something like, "the more people that give, the more people that live." (That's the rhyming English version we came up with.) It really was a great opportunity, especially since the need for blood is great and no one will be able to donate when they go home anyways. We are even thinking about giving more volunteers the option to do this when they come down. It's a great, simple way to help.

And the best news of this post is... Sheila, our nurse, gets back tomorrow!! We're very excited to have her back, catch her up on everything she missed, and give her her job back! :)

Ready and Waiting...

His nickname is KK. He is four years old. He can't sit up. He can't run. He can't do anything on his own. He was born with a disability. He has struggled all his life. He is easy to overlook. To ignore. To pass by. But he is worthy of so much more. He is capable of so much more. He is loved. He is cared for. He is prayed over. He is precious. And he deserves a family. He needs a family. He is waiting for a family. He wants a family. Someone to love. To call his own. To care for him. To spoil him. To hold his hands. To work his muscles. To teach him. To struggle with him. To feel his pain. To rejoice in his success. He is KK and he is worthy of this unconditional love and acceptance.

This is a boy that I have known for over two years. He was one of the kids assigned to me for one-on-one time when I first arrived at COTP. He used to intimidate and overwhelm me. I wasn't sure what to do with a boy like him. I didn't know how to help him. I couldn't really even tell if he was happy or sad. I felt helpless to his struggles.

Now, two years later, I am still getting to know KK better. I am not intimidated or overwhelmed. I know to hold him, love him and work his muscles. I can see the beauty of his smile and feel the pain of his cry. I no longer feel helpless, but hopeful. I am hopeful that KK's family is out there. I am hopeful they will find him soon. I am hopeful that they will find unending joy by inviting him into their lives. I am hopeful that they will answer the call of God to help the least of these, to be blessed by the least of these. I am hopeful that He is speaking to their hearts right now.

And a few days ago, I witnessed something that I thought may never happen. I went to play with KK and his roommates and when I stopped playing with KK, he started to cry. This is huge for him, to express his desires in such a way. I couldn't help but pick him up and take him back to the house to cuddle. He was very content. Then, I needed to get up to get something, so I handed KK to a volunteer. He began to cry, and was only comforted when I came back to touch him and reassure him. Not only did he want to be held, touched and interacted with, he wanted this from a specific person. He recognized that he knew me and wanted me close. He looked into my eyes for comfort. He spoke volumes about his desire to be forever-loved, by a family. And by the God who already holds him.

Please pray that his family finds him soon. He is ready and waiting.

For more information on this precious little boy, go to http://reecesrainbow.org/20038/peter-2 or http://childrenofthepromise.org/waiting-babies/

Mourning Mighty Micah

Last night, a beautiful baby went to Jesus. Micah was just under a month old, weighed a little over three pounds and only lived with us for ten short days. But it feels like so much longer. I held him on the ride home from the hospital when we went to pick him up and he has spent the last week living upstairs with us. 

It is amazing how much you can grow to love someone in such a short time. But that is exactly what we did; every NG tube feeding given, every diaper changed, every feeding thrown up, every cuddle given, every song sung, every prayer said, we fell more in love with this precious boy. He was ours and we loved him. We rejoiced in every success and praised him for his strong will. We felt his every struggle. We held him next to our bodies and comforted him when he cried. We did everything we could to help his broken body. We trusted God for his perfect plan. And we thanked God when Micah was finally free from pain.

But still our hearts hurt for our baby; the baby that drew us together, the baby we prayed over, the baby that captivated our lives, the baby we hoped would make it. We called him Mighty Micah because we could tell that he was a fighter. Mighty Micah would not easily give up, so neither would we. We all fought as long as we could, but in the end, we knew that Micah's body needed to let go. So Chante held him as Sheila and I sat close. We listened to music and prayed for our baby's struggles to end. We felt peace as we realized his battle was over.

We already miss him terribly, but I'm so thankful to have had him in our lives. I'm thankful he came to COTP where he could get the best care possible. I'm thankful that we were here to love Micah, to cuddle him, kiss him, and pray for him. I'm thankful that we realized days ago just how precious this baby was. And I'm thankful that God trusted us enough to let us be his hands and feet to Mighty Micah.

The Importance of Good Oral Hygiene...

The other day one of our four year olds managed to escape outside with his toothbrush. His only real intention was to run around with it and to make sure he got all the toothpaste flavour off of the brush. Instead we ended up having a conversation about the importance of good oral hygiene. It went something like this:

Me: You have to brush your teeth very well.
Four year old: I don't want to.
Me: You have to. If you don't, you won't have any teeth.
Four year old: I don't want teeth.
Me: If you don't have teeth, then you can't eat.

At this point, I really have his attention, so I recap "you have to brush your teeth so that you can keep them so that you can continue to eat." All of this convinces him. He decides it is actually worth it to brush and keep your teeth. He spends the next couple minutes brushing first his front teeth and then the rest. It was quite an entertaining exchange.

Reasons I Love Haiti

Haiti really is one of my favourite places. I suppose there are many reasons, but I will pick just a few top ones to share with you.

-Being a part of prayer and singing with the nannies
-Friends to hang out with
-Beautiful beaches to relax and refresh at
-Amazing scenery to accompany the bumpy roads
-Passionate people who try their hardest
-Resilient children who greet you with a smile each day (even their pouty faces are cute)

(If you were wondering, my least favourite include the lack of berries, sunburns and when babies are sick.)

I have had an amazing few days and will try to share some more stories soon. :)

Two Weeks and Two Dozen Emotions

I change my outlook on living in Haiti more often then I change my outfit. If you would have asked me yesterday, I would have told you that a year and a half commitment seemed like no time at all and I was almost sure I would want to stay longer. I was loving the staff, the kids and the volunteers. I was loving meeting new babies and families. I was loving the fact that you never know what will happen next around here. I was loving the fact that I was feeling ambitious and ready to tackle all of my projects. I was loving the fact that I was completely aware of God's presence and my dependency on him.

Today is my two week anniversary of being back in Haiti and the day I promised myself I would write my first blog. And today is a different story. Today a year and a half feels like an eternity and I am calculating how long until I can visit home. Today I feel isolated and disconnected for no particular reason. Today I am overwhelmed by the needs of our babies and the stories of these families. Today I am hating the constant change and unpredictability that comes with living here. Today I feel overwhelmed by my tasks and paralyzed by my own inadequacies. Today I forgot to be passionate in my quest to know my God more and more.

But today, I know that God is in control and that he has called me here. I may not feel it, but I know it is true. I know that while some days will be slow, time will fly by more quickly than I'd like. I know that I have already made some great friends and will continue to make more. We may not always see eye to eye, but we will learn and grow together. I know that the needs here are great, but we are making a difference. Babies are being saved and families are being helped, one by one. I know that constant change and readjustment can be hard, but it can also be one of our greatest blessings. I know that I will not always be on schedule, but I will find the strength to perservere. I know that God has called me to Haiti and he will sustain me through whatever challenges present themselves.

And I know that today, despite my inner turmoil, I was beyond blessed to spend time with all of our kids, from two weeks old to five years old. And I know that I can't wait to see their smiles again tomorrow. To hear their voices call my name. To watch them as they play and learn and grow. To be a part of their everyday as they wait for the next phase of their life, whatever that may be.

Tonight, I feel my passion for this journey returning and I am excited to be able to share with you as I live my life in Haiti.